God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
