someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
