It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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