I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
