I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
