I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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