Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
