when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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