I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
