Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize