I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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