East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
