What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
