True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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