The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
