my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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