You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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