I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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