dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
