And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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