Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
