I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
