I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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