new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
