well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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