So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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