Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
