My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize