Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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