Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
