I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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