I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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