I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
