Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
