i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
