We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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