...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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