Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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