Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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