Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
