Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
