Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
