you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
