i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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