I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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