Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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