I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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