I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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