Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
