So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
