wrigley field is MILF paradise
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
