that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
