Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
