Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
