Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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