That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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