it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
