My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think my moral compass just broke
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
