I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
