omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
