dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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