You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
