$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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