im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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