remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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