she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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