and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
