im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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